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~ Scooby Doo: A Detailed Analysis ~

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something we may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become clearer to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing traversing the continent, foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

What we remember: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sorts-and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Occasionally they take some old guy's mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but let's take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e. he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

Consider Scooby. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. The facts bear this out: Whenever Scooby or for that matter Shaggy eat a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their minds and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time. The characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but selling the drugs helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world -- they drove to China once).

These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...

Take Fred and Daphne. They are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing-they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly doing the nasty. Fred, by the way is clearly pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck. Hickies? We may never know.

Consider Velma. Everyone's least favorite of the cast, Velma, it seems, was the one of the first lesbian characters on TV. As it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. How else do you explain the appearance of Scrappy-Doo? Scrappy, who was a dog yet he spoke perfect English, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

Hmmm. Let's review. The kids spent their teenage years driving around the world in a custom van, smokin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and @#%*!?^^ their brains out, at times with their dog. And they say modern TV's bad......